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t_JESUS_t
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Name: Jesus
Gender: Male
Interests: Reading, walking, writing, preaching, carrying heavy wooden objects on my back, letting people in to "Da Club" (lol...that one's for you, Gabriel! You angel...I love you...alot...and your wings are so strong...), hearing praises sung unto me, guided meditation, finger painting, and Halo.
Expertise: Parlor tricks (turning water into wine, making ample amounts of food out of barely anything, etc.), dying terribly bloody deaths that makes everyone hate the stupid people who made fun of me! That cross was fucking heavy! I guess I showed them when I showed up three days later and owned the whole fucking empire. So, I guess I'm good at showing off my insane skills. Step it...you go get crucifizzled and see what's up.
Occupation: Unemployed/Between Jobs
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/27/2005
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| Hello once again, my children.
I know that it's been quite a long time since I've written you all (and I'm NOT talking about the bible...lolololol. Goddamn, I'm hilarious. Oops...sorry dad.) but it's been a crazy time in my life. As you ALL know, it was my birthday a week or so ago...according to you dumb fucks who don't know that it's supposed to be in the summer. Do you think I would have chosen to be born on a day when you walk out side and your balls immediately shrink? Goodness no, my children. We wore robes back in the day! Sometimes I used to like to think of it as a dress. Me and Judas used to play dress up...bunch up certain areas to accentuate our breasts...ahhh. Memories.
Anyway, my children, we had such a good party for me. Mary (the slut, not the virgin) got a little tipsy...actually a lot tipsy, and my dad got mad and gave her a whole new set of herpes. Some people just can't handle my parlor tricks. The water into wine thing can prove to be too tempting. Oh, and that little bitch Gabriel decided to show up. He tried all talking to me and stuff in front of Abraham, who's always talking about his fucking kids...and I was like, "Hey, man. Chill." and he was all like "You don't know how bad you've hurt me!" and I was all like, "Shut up! JUST SHUT UP!" and he was all like, "LICK MY CLIT, BITCH!". So I pulled him aside, and we calmed each other down. We exchanged apologies for the whole sandal buisness (check out my last entry, for details! LOL) and worked it all out. Whatev. I mean, I died for some ppl's sins. I can forgive this tool, can't I?
So yeah. Oh, and (my children) I got in trouble again. I was playing Dance Dance Revolution....on top of moses's beard. He was kinda pissed, and he started to bitch about some pharoah and bugs and all this shit....and I just kept stomping and w/e. He got mad and bitch slapped me. It stung, too. So, I went back to my room and cried and cried and cried and cried. Good thing Gabriel came in to rub my back until I went to sleep. I woke up later, and he was smoking a cigarette next to me. I was confused, and my ass hurt. OH WELL. That's what best friends are for! Ha ha. :D :) :P
Well, I must return. I have some mischief to manage. I heard that Angelina Jolie was pregnant, so I think I'm going to make her baby turn out exactly like a miniature billy bob thorton...complete with facial hair and beer breath.
-Jesus | | |
| Hello, my children.
I was walking through the cloud orchard with Gabriel today, and I slipped on some rather troublesome rock and tore my sandal. Then, my foot got all dirty with cloud dust, and I asked Gabriel to wash my feet (my disciples and I used to have so much fun doing it! lol!) but he refused. My children, I was terribly upset. I really didn't know what to do with myself.
So, I closed my eyes and tried counting to ten. It really didn't work well. I was pissed.
I had been good since last tuesday...I totally apolgized to Dad about giving Brittney Spears's baby down's syndrome...hopefully she won't notice. I bet she won't...
So I've been on really good behavior since then, but (my children), we all falter. So, I prayed for Gabriel's balls to be kicked, and it was granted by my left foot. Then, I pushed him through the cloud and onto earth for a while. Perhaps he'll find out what it's like to be hung on a cross and have EVERYONE tell that stupid joke about being hung like this *holds out arms*. It's really not funny anymore.
But it did hurt to see Gabriel falling through those clouds. I did feel a little bad about it. Meh. I mean, I'm Jesus, right? I'm the holy son...1/3 of the trinity...a common household name. I'll probably get away with it.
I just wish I could get away with a bite of Gabriel's sweet ass. Mary (the slut, not the virgin) just doesn't cut it anymore....and everyone knows angels are TOTALLY into more kink.
And everyone knows I'm into kink. Put some thorns on my head and a sword in my side, and we are ready to rock n' roll...christ style. | | |
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